I Eat

I Eat

I eat when I'm happy
I eat when I'm sad
I eat when I'm alone 
I eat at a party 
Food is the problem
Food is the solution
Food is my enemy
Food is a friend
I eat to celebrate
I eat to mourn 
I eat when I'm sick
I eat when I'm well
Food is my demon
Food is my salvation
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Motivation, Willpower and Warrior

Why must this be so hard? Why can’t I just have enough willpower to resist temptation most of the time? Why can’t I have enough motivation to get up and move?

I haven’t done 1 squat, lunge or plank. I have eaten like a Survivor contestant. And I don’t like me right now.

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I came across the Warrior Challenge on Facebook today. It’s in October 10-11 in Cape Town. That’s the weekend after my birthday. I’ve gotten it into my head now that I want to do this challenge. I have 4 months to “train” for this and I really WANT this! Even if I must do it alone, I am doing this!

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I need to work on some other plan where the motivation and willpower are concerned. Can’t seem to get it into my head that I need to eat better. I am still keeping my food diary, just need to transpose that information onto My Fitness Pal. I am drinking water though, so that should count for something. And I haven’t had Coke (or any other gassy cooldrink) since 31 May 2015. Monday coming will be another thing I need to cut out/add in to my diet.

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I am strong. I do not need food to control my life. I am happy. I am content. I am healthy as can be and I am doing a Warrior Challenge in October!!!!!

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Feeling Fat and Frumpy

Yes, I'm fat/overweight/obese whatever term you want to use here. Yes, I acknowledge it. Yes, I am trying to do something about it.

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Do the above yeses make me feel better/thinner/less depressed. The answer is NO. I think I'm feeling like this today because my monthly (AF) is due. And I feel like I just want to eat. And I've already eaten more than what I should have for the day. By breakfast! Goodness! This needs to stop. I completely sabotage myself. Every. Day. I've gotten my macros calculated. So I know how many calories I'm supposed to consume daily. I have Kayla's workout kit. I have A New Weigh and Gaelyn and the girls for support. So why do I do this????

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I don't know but I am working on it. I read recently from this blog I'm reading (Diary of An Aspiring Loser) about positive thinking and how she conditioned herself and her brain that she loves to run. I need to do the same and start with positive thinking about my eating. "I will overcome this eating disorder. I will be a better eater and make better, healthier choices. I will beat this obsession with eating and only use food to fuel my body. I love food but I don't love the bad things that make me fat, lethargic, unhealthy. I love vegetables! Yes I have a problem with food now but I am working on it and I will be great at making good food choices and not feel bad when I do make unhealthy choices."

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I need to print that and put it everywhere I can. 

Ok, so I mentioned that I cut out Coke and all other gassy drinks. I have been doing very well. It's been 8 days since I last had any. I need to start thinking of the next thing I'm going to cut/include. I think for the last week, in cutting out the Coke, I've replaced that with a packet of chips/chocolate/sweets and I need to cut that out. I need to find a replacement though. Something that will beat that sweet craving that hits around 3pm. Maybe an apple? Or should I just go with a cup of tea so long (I haven't cut out the sugar in my tea). I'll decide. I want to start next Monday, so that it's 2 weeks between cutting/including something from my diet. 

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I want to start exercising at home as well. I'll probably start in the evenings for now. And just something light, like a few squats, lunges, and maybe throw in a plank. I feel like I need to start moving and I'm going to start tonight. I will do 2 x sets of 10 squats, lunges and see how long I can hold a plank (and do another after that). It will have to wait until the kids are asleep though. Hubby is also working nights the next few nights, so it's going to be even harder to get that exercise in. But I feel like i want to do it, so we'll see. I'll update about this again.

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And an extra pic - I just found this now:

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My Plan

I am always looking at cheap, easy fixes to lose weight. Now I know that this is impossible but that doesn’t stop me from looking.

A few weeks ago I won a 16 week membership to A New Weigh.

Gaelyn is amazing. Very supportive, you get a plan with some exercises and a list of foods that you can eat. I love this! I will be honest and say that I haven’t stuck to the plan really well. I made all of 2 weeks sticking to it and then it fell through. I feel so guilty because someone else could’ve benefited from this win but I have learnt so much and I still have 7 weeks left so there’s still some hope. I love the support of the group, the motivations and before and after pics of past clients of hers. I would like to stick to this plan as much as possible going forward.

I have Kayla Itsines workout plan as well. BBG 1 as it’s called. I did really well on this. Well, for the first 5 weeks on the plan. I did the 4 week pre-workout plan, which is for women who have little to no fitness levels. During week 5, it got a lot harder to find the time to work out as this also the week I went back to work from maternity leave. I plan to restart BBG 1 soon.

For now, I’ve started a food diary. I’ve cut out my favourite drink of all time, Coke, and all other gassy cooldrinks. I’m hoping to stick to cutting it out for a few weeks and then cut something else out, or maybe add something to my diet, like more veg maybe. I’m trying it this way as previously, I’d go all gung ho into a new eating plan and quit almost immediately because I couldn’t go cold turkey on something.

I feel this is more likely to last if I can cut one thing at a time and then I won’t feel like I’m depriving myself. You know, start a new habit or break an old one. I’ve also substituted the sugar in my coffee and tea with Xylitol. Hoping this helps.

I quit smoking when I was 3 months pregnant with my second baby. I had my last cigarette on 31 December 2013 and haven’t touched one since. I went cold turkey and yes, the 1^st day was THE hardest but eventually it got easier. I must say that cutting sugar is a whole lot harder that cutting cigarettes ever were. But I will conquer this. I know I am strong enough to beat it. It will just take me a little longer.

They say losing weight is 80% and 20% exercise. So for now, I’m going to focus on the diet and eventually the exercise will come. 

First off

I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry. When I’m happy and when I’m sad. I eat when I am stressed out and when I am relaxed. 

Why do I do this? I don’t really know. I think I need to speak to someone to find the underlying issues. I know that I wasn’t always overweight. I used to model in fashion shows and beauty pageants when I was younger (like in high school). I was a straight A student until my Matric year. I have no clue what happened, but it was something. I started slacking in my grades, barely passing Matric. This is the time I started picking up weight. Slowly but surely, in the last 15 years I’ve picked up about 25-30 kgs. This is including playing some sport (was on a softball team for 6 years) (which I think is why the weight took that long to creep up) and having 2 babies.

I was touched inappropriately when I was younger by a family member. Well and a family friend and my late grandmother’s husband. So 3 people that I trusted had been inappropriate with me. I was about 8 years old on the one occasion, 10 years old on another, and 17 and 18 by the last family member. I tried to tell the family friend’s wife with a note I left for her (I was about 8 with this one) but never ever heard anything about it. I never told my parents. I’m still too scared to. I need to forgive these men and stop carrying this around. Will work on this soon.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13 years old. I have a younger sister by 5 years. I had to grow up and be responsible from that young age. Look after the household, after my younger sister, worry about school work and my mom. It’s a wonder I made it through those tough years. (My mom is still with us, 20 years later). I need to forgive my mom too for forcing me to grow up before my time. I know it’s not her fault, but I am holding onto this and holding her responsible and need to let it go.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He has been clean for 4 years and half years now. I am so super proud of him. But he made my life a living hell growing up. I have a shit load of issues and a lot of it is his fault. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was make my dad proud. He has yet to say those words to me. I still crave to hear it and still strive to do that. I need to forgive him as well.

Why am I telling you all this? Why am I saying I need to forgive these people? Well, I feel like a lot of my eating issues are related to the above somehow. And I feel that if I can let it go and forgive what I feel has wronged me, then I can let go of my eating disorders and forgive myself for what I put my body through all these years. I am hoping to get healthy, fit, strong and lose some of my weight in the process. I am tired of being tired all the time, of being depressed when I look at myself in the mirror after a shower. I am tired of hating my body and being shy to walk around naked in front of my husband. I want my life back and I want to be happy.

I know that I am on the right track. With me being conscious of what I eat. Following and reading blogs of fat to fit people and how they did it is inspiring. Wanting to get out and run and cycle and start exercising fills my thoughts. Granted I haven’t eaten better yet, or done any of the running/cycling/exercising bit but I want to and I will.

I have been tracking my weight for the last 8 weeks and although I’ve picked up 600grams since I started, I’ve also lost 27.5 cms. I want to lose so much more, weight and centimetres. But I need to remember that this is a marathon not a sprint. Slow and steady is the only way to get there. Hopefully my motivation will pick up very quickly and I can start (and stick to) my journey.