First off

I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry. When I’m happy and when I’m sad. I eat when I am stressed out and when I am relaxed. 

Why do I do this? I don’t really know. I think I need to speak to someone to find the underlying issues. I know that I wasn’t always overweight. I used to model in fashion shows and beauty pageants when I was younger (like in high school). I was a straight A student until my Matric year. I have no clue what happened, but it was something. I started slacking in my grades, barely passing Matric. This is the time I started picking up weight. Slowly but surely, in the last 15 years I’ve picked up about 25-30 kgs. This is including playing some sport (was on a softball team for 6 years) (which I think is why the weight took that long to creep up) and having 2 babies.

I was touched inappropriately when I was younger by a family member. Well and a family friend and my late grandmother’s husband. So 3 people that I trusted had been inappropriate with me. I was about 8 years old on the one occasion, 10 years old on another, and 17 and 18 by the last family member. I tried to tell the family friend’s wife with a note I left for her (I was about 8 with this one) but never ever heard anything about it. I never told my parents. I’m still too scared to. I need to forgive these men and stop carrying this around. Will work on this soon.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13 years old. I have a younger sister by 5 years. I had to grow up and be responsible from that young age. Look after the household, after my younger sister, worry about school work and my mom. It’s a wonder I made it through those tough years. (My mom is still with us, 20 years later). I need to forgive my mom too for forcing me to grow up before my time. I know it’s not her fault, but I am holding onto this and holding her responsible and need to let it go.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He has been clean for 4 years and half years now. I am so super proud of him. But he made my life a living hell growing up. I have a shit load of issues and a lot of it is his fault. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was make my dad proud. He has yet to say those words to me. I still crave to hear it and still strive to do that. I need to forgive him as well.

Why am I telling you all this? Why am I saying I need to forgive these people? Well, I feel like a lot of my eating issues are related to the above somehow. And I feel that if I can let it go and forgive what I feel has wronged me, then I can let go of my eating disorders and forgive myself for what I put my body through all these years. I am hoping to get healthy, fit, strong and lose some of my weight in the process. I am tired of being tired all the time, of being depressed when I look at myself in the mirror after a shower. I am tired of hating my body and being shy to walk around naked in front of my husband. I want my life back and I want to be happy.

I know that I am on the right track. With me being conscious of what I eat. Following and reading blogs of fat to fit people and how they did it is inspiring. Wanting to get out and run and cycle and start exercising fills my thoughts. Granted I haven’t eaten better yet, or done any of the running/cycling/exercising bit but I want to and I will.

I have been tracking my weight for the last 8 weeks and although I’ve picked up 600grams since I started, I’ve also lost 27.5 cms. I want to lose so much more, weight and centimetres. But I need to remember that this is a marathon not a sprint. Slow and steady is the only way to get there. Hopefully my motivation will pick up very quickly and I can start (and stick to) my journey.